Be The Fruit

The Connecting Conversation

by Bill Blair on 19/09/07 at 9:36 pm

by Bill Blair 

How many people do you know who are struggling with something or someone in their life? 

I am sure if you think about for a few seconds you will begin to come up with a laundry list of people who could use some help or some advice.  There is probably one guy or girl dating the wrong person and needs dating advice, one needs financial advice, one needs career advice, and one need marital advice.  The list could go on and on.  You see the problem and know the solution or at least a possible path to the solution.  So, you make a “to do” list for them, meet them for lunch, and tell them how to fix their life.  They graciously take your advice and live happily ever after.  Right?

Have you ever tried this approach?  If you have, then you will know that this approach does not work very well.  Most people will think you are judging, or you don’t really know the situation so they will ignore you or they might get mad at you.

So, what do you do?  I think you have to work to establish a deeper connection with the other person then give them the advice and help they need. You need to establish trust.  You need to let them know you care.  This is not an easy task though, and it is even harder if the person you are trying to help is hurting you. 

Experiencing some of this difficulty has led me to come up with a few principles that you can apply to help you make that “deeper connection” with the people you wish to help.  These principles should help you to have a “connecting conversation,” or a conversation that brings you into a deeper relationship with the other person and to the place where you can give them the help they need.  These principles are listed below.

1. Be Transparent moving toward Vulnerability
Being transparent is letting people see the real you, but vulnerability is letting them touch you(1).  Being transparent is sharing your flaws and struggles, but vulnerability is sharing things that could get you hurt.  The key point of being transparent is that you begin to show that you are a real person with hurts and struggles just like anybody else.  As you move to vulnerability you will open up and put yourself at risk.  You will show that you are willing to put your heart on the line, and this will encourage others to do the same.  If you don’t then they won’t.  If you are the healthier person then you must take the lead.

2. Show Grace & Not Judgement
A counselor I used to see once said, “If you want someone to tell you the truth then you have to be willing to hear it.”  Honesty is a key to establishing a deeper connection; therefore you must be willing to listen to things you don’t want to hear.  Remember, they are in a process.  Showing grace will lead to more honesty and trust which leads to the connection you are trying to make.

3. Listen
I know you have all the answers, but they don’t want to hear them.  Listening shows that you care.  Listening shows that you value what they have to say.

4. Ask Questions
Sometimes people know the solution deep down, but are not willing to face it.  Asking the right questions could lead them to that solution.  They may not listen to it if you tell them the solution, but if you lead them to it they will discover it on their own.  Also, ask questions that lead to their feelings.  Getting to their feelings will break down the walls that keep you from connecting to them.  I would not use the dreaded, “How does that make you feel?”, but I would lead them to that by saying something like, “Was that a painful experience?”  Asking questions gets them talking which ties in with the listening principle above.

5. Touch
Give a pat on the back or shoulder.  Give a hug.  There is something about a physical touch that breaks down barriers between people.  Use this appropriately, however.  Getting too close or aggressive might scare people off.  No big bear hugs unless you know they are comfortable with it.  The pats on the shoulder or hand seem to work the best.

6. Relate
Find common ground through common interests, experiences, and difficulties.  The point is to develop a connection so anything you can find in common should help you do that. 

7.  Do it all with Authenticity & Love
If you do any of the first 6 steps without authenticity and love then you have reduced yourself to being a con-man who tries to get close to people just to get something from them.  This is the foundation of true connection. 

Notes:  (1) Definition from Dr. Thomas Weakley, SBTS Ministry of Leadership Lecture.